I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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