She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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