make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
And then he peed in my hair
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
