shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
