I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
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