Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
there is glitter all over my balls
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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