I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
