Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
