You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
