Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I think I am morally bankrupt
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
