So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
