mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I need to align my fucking chakras
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
