btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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