If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
