shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
