Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
