and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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