I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
