if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
