70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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