I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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