I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
