Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
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Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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