You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
