so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
