After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
