if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
