my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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