when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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