Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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