We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
