apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
