she looked like the before picture.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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