If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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