I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
How's work?
Spinning.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
