im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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