i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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