Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
