I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
