I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm like, not good at living.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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