if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
