The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
