I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You don't make any sense
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