i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
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I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
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I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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