Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
