she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
