dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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