You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
