he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
