Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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