I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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