high people should be assigned attendants
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
