I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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