perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house