Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE