I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Good news my life of crime finally paid off