Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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