Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
