Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
