Are we in a gay sports bar?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Mom said you looked used
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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