I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!