we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.