...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.