A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I am spending my child support on dildos
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night