Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
