And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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