my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
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I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
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Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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